Op-Ed: Feeling Stuck About Starting Therapy? 12 Crucial Insights From a Psychotherapist to Help You Take the First Step
Amita Singh M.Ed., RP
written by Amita Singh
Have you been considering therapy but keep talking yourself out of it? If you’ve had any of the thoughts below (or similar ones!) consider this a chance to offer yourself some grace, acknowledge that you are not alone and resume the search.
My name is Amita Singh and I am a psychotherapist of West Indian heritage based in Toronto, Canada. In this article, I share some of the common pitfalls people find themselves in when deciding whether they would like to seek therapy and I offer a therapist’s perspective.
There is a strong narrative in the Caribbean community (and many other communities) that therapy is something we simply do not do. We may view it as a personal failing that someone had to resort to therapy, or it’s discussed in gossip, or it’s a choice that is criticized. As a woman of West Indian heritage, I understand how pervasive and ingrained the taboo surrounding therapy is in our community and how hard it can be to shake. Yet it is so worth the effort to try!
[Additional Read: Breaking the Silence: Mental Health and the Cultural Stigmas West Indians Need to Break]
First, a primer about what therapy is for first-timers or for those who have had less than ideal experiences with therapy in the past: therapy, fundamentally, is a guided conversation meant to help clients achieve their desired goal. It is not meant to provide advice or instruction on what the client ‘should’ do, but instead it is there to guide clients towards finding their own solutions. Therapists actively avoid giving advice simply because we cannot presume to know what solutions will work for our clients, given their unique circumstances and context.
A good therapy session should feel like a really good conversation with someone you trust. You should feel comfortable discussing a wide range of topics and be encouraged to think harder, identify your emotions and perhaps connect with them on a deeper level. You may also question your perspectives and learn more about yourself.
Growth necessitates coming out of one’s comfort zone. So while it is normal to feel some anxiety, fear or hesitation when broaching topics that hit close to home, it should never feel like you are being judged or that your responses are wrong. It is normal to feel nervous and simultaneously feel encouraged to come out of your comfort zone in order to achieve the goals you set.
A therapist’s role is to function as a guide. We do this using the structure of the modalities within which we are trained (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Emotion Focused Therapy,
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and more) to help us understand your narrative, see patterns in your stories and help you to move forward.
In the initial session as a client, your role is to present goals, concerns, or issues you would like to address. It does not have to be a perfectly formed thought, but you should be able to answer questions such as:
What concerns are you hoping to address in therapy? What made you reach out? What are you hoping to get out of therapy and how will you know when you’ve achieved that?
This coupled with an open mind is all you need to start!
Below are common questions and thoughts I have encountered from women who have been exploring the possibility of starting therapy.
1. Therapy? But I’m not crazy!
You’re not crazy. In our community, the word ‘crazy’ often accompanies talk of therapy and in turn silences and shames many out of getting help. Take a minute to consider an alternative perspective: it takes an immense amount of courage to seek support for mental health. The desire to try to see things from a different perspective, the willpower needed to generate personal growth, the bravery required to be open and vulnerable, the determination to make changes to better one’s life and by extension the lives of their loved ones takes courage. These are the attributes I see in my clients. And as to the word “crazy,”we don't know her!
2. I’m interested but I have no idea where to begin!
Say no more! Sites such as Psychology Today and Better Help can help you find a therapist in your area. They allow you to filter therapists based on gender, concern, type of session (in person, online) and more to find the best possible match.
It is important to note that some therapists are licensed only to practice within the geographical location covered by their governing body. It can be helpful to ask if there are any such limitations for therapists you are considering.
3. How do I choose a therapist? What should I look for?
Therapy can be a large commitment of time, money and emotion. While it can be difficult to gauge how the relationship will progress from the initial meeting, it is worth spending some time choosing someone who understands the issues you want to address. The relationship between therapist and client is the most important factor when it comes to making the changes you want to see so set up free consultations with multiple therapists to increase your chances of finding someone with whom you can build a strong therapeutic relationship.
Things to consider: Who do you want to see sitting across from you? Do you want someone who has the same intersectionality as you do? Maybe the therapists’ experience with your issue of concern is most important and their physical appearance does not matter to you. Perhaps you want someone who has in-person sessions, virtual sessions, or someone who is open to sessions outdoors (Yes, this exists! There are therapists who do nature walks with clients who are interested in having their sessions outside of the office). You may be looking for expertise in a specific type of therapy modality or a therapist who speaks a specific language. All of these options should be considered when it comes to choosing the right therapist for you.
4. What if I want to change therapists?
You are under no obligation to continue with a therapist if you are not comfortable and there are no hard feelings if you choose not to rebook. Ultimately, therapists understand that the relationship is of utmost importance and not all therapists can meet the needs of all clients. We want you to be with a therapist with whom you are comfortable.
5. What if I cry?
Therapy is one of the few places where crying is absolutely allowed and does not need to be apologized for. Therapist’s offices are always well stocked with tissues.
6. I will never find a therapist who looks like me or understands my culture.
While there was a time when this was true, it is no longer the case! Therapists come from all walks of life, different communities, speak a wide array of languages, and practice a variety of modalities. The formal field of therapy has never been more diverse than it is today so there is a very good chance you will find someone who understands you.
7. I will traumatize the therapist with my problems.
No, you will not. Therapists are human and may be impacted by our client stories however, it is our responsibility to manage our responses both during and after the session. This is not something our clients should ever be concerned about.
8. What will people think if they know I’m in therapy?
The only way others will know you are seeing a therapist is if you tell them. Your relationship with your therapist and what you talk about is strictly confidential. Therapists cannot share anything with your workplace, partner, parents (if you are an adult), unless you give them your express consent to do so. Please note, there may be some instances where a therapist is legally bound to break confidentiality. These are typically included in a confidentiality agreement, which a client would read and sign before starting sessions.
9. It’s weird to talk to a stranger about my problems.
Seems intuitive, right? Our family and friends know us best and they mean well; however some problems simply require a professional set of tools. It can be hard for our loved ones to provide an objective ear, or to avoid judging us or giving advice on what they think we ‘should’ do. A therapist is trained to be unbiased, objective, impartial, non-judgemental and focused solely upon getting you to your goals in a way that makes sense for you.
10. Doesn’t therapy take years?
You are free to spend as much or as little time as you need to get to your goals. Some clients find 3-8 sessions adequate, while others prefer to see their therapist on and off for many years. Either way, you are in control.
11. My issue isn’t that big. It’s not worth seeing a therapist for. Other people need the service more.
If it is an issue for you, it is absolutely worth talking about. You deserve the support as much as anyone else and the therapist is game if you are!
12. What do sessions look like? What can I expect?
Therapists’ approaches are varied but in general, your therapist will ask what you would like to discuss in session, follow up on what you discussed in past sessions, or work on a particular exercise designed to help you meet your goals.
Sessions are typically 50-60 minutes in duration and vary in price depending on the experience and specialization of the therapist.
Other Important Tips
Depending on your health benefits, therapy may be either partially or wholly covered by insurance. Check with your provider.
Some therapists offer a sliding scale if affordability is an issue. It is a completely routine thing to ask a therapist about session cost and a sliding scale at the outset.
Some therapists offer a 15-minute free consultation that allows you to tell them a bit about what you need help with and allows you to get a sense of their personality. During these consultations, feel free to ask what their approach is, what their sessions look like and anything else you may need to feel more comfortable.
Final Takeaway
The process of finding a therapist as well as doing the work in therapy can be overwhelming yet therapy’s positive life-changing benefits are worth the time and effort because you are worth it!
Caribbean women carry the weight of many responsibilities in our community: work, children, partners, elders, home, community and more. Imagine the relief of being able to put your responsibilities down and take a pause every now and then. Your well-being matters!
Therapy is a form of well-deserved self-care. Give yourself permission to focus on things that matter most to you without the noise of daily life getting in the way. If you have been considering therapy but haven’t yet been able to commit, consider this article a positive sign encouraging you to take the leap. Therapy’s benefits are sure to help you create the safe space you need for healing, growth and restoration. Here’s to you becoming the best version of yourself!
Guest Author: Amita Singh, M.Ed., RP is a registered psychotherapist based out of Toronto, Canada. She received her Masters of Education in Counselling Psychology from the University of Toronto, and is currently working on a post-graduate certification in Couple and Family Therapy Studies through the University of Guelph. She is passionate about destigmatizing mental health and therapy within the Caribbean community. Her favourite treat is a peppery tamarind ball and she is always up for a game of cards.
Disclaimer: Amita Singh, M.Ed., RP is a mental health professional listed on Psychology Today. She received no compensation for this article.
